March 16, 2018 marks a very important day in my grieving journey. Why? At 0731 hours today, Kalei will have been dead as long as she lived. It might come as a surprise to people to learn I knew about this day a very long time ago. Shortly after Kalei was killed, I felt a need to know when this day, hour and minute would arrive. As to exactness of the end cessation of life, I feel obligated to insert…..
First and foremost, please accept my apologies for not posting a blog since August. It wasn’t because I could not think of anything to write — nothing could be farther from the truth. The truth is I just did not want to write, no, make that think, about grief, at least for a while. No thinking by default meant no writing. For those of you that have faithfully read all the stories on Kalei’s original website and now my Forever…..
Kudos to a much aligned generation…the Millennial’s
Okay…this the last blog about remembering…at least for a while lol. I’m sorry if it seems like I am harping on the subject of the regular universe participating in the different part of my new and different life but it just feels so good to hear Kalei’s name or know she still has a tiny sliver of space left in someone else’s life. That all being said, there comes a time when one has to back away from a subject…..
The Ditch Kalei’s Room (and Grandma’s too) and finally…from My Heart
Early last week I began thinking about the upcoming Mother’s Day. Once Kalei was old enough to understand, she went to great lengths to make this day special for me. How she loved to bring me breakfast in bed, cuddle up beside me and hand over the card she worked on for hours. Her face would beam when she saw me tear up as I read the words that always came straight from her heart. When I was done I would set the card on my night stand and…..
Growing up I always called my parents Mom and Dad. I rarely heard their real names. Even between each other, it was “Go ask Mom” or “Go ask Dad”, never Helen or Zack. For me, those titles stayed in place until the day Kalei was born. From that moment on, Mom and Dad became Gramma and Grampa. When she was old enough to talk, my parents became Grammie and Grampie. It was the same for my siblings. Uncle John became ‘Nuncle John and so on. While…..
As always, when an important Kalei event day draws near I spend time thinking about what this particular date means to me in my grieving journey. While every one of my child’s birth dates are bittersweet now, I am blessed with amazing friends and family who temper the bitterness by continuing to recognize this important day in my (and Kalei’s) life. Other than Kalei’s 17th birthday, the one immediately following her death when I did not understand d-e-a-d and tried…..
Since Kalei died, the only time I saw her in my dreams she was a faceless gossamer image. While I could not physically identify her from that shape, I knew it was the spirit of my child. For years I begged and pleaded with God for a dream that would let me see an earthly flesh and blood image of my daughter — you know, physical as well as spiritual. But night after night…nothing. My friend Sandy often spoke of…..
There is a kind of almost harmonious routine to the days before and after Kalei’s death anniversary. I feel myself getting internally quiet and then, I slowly begin to distance myself from the regular universe. It’s not that there is anything wrong with that world (other than Kalei not being in it), it’s just that I am pulled back into La-La Land (see Chapter 8 for more info on La La Land) this time each year where the noise – people,…..
This morning, at 8:05 AM, 15 years after her death, I felt safe and loved surrounded by the oh so capable arms of Aunty Karen and my boyfriend David as we watched time end one year and start another. Thank-you to everyone for your kind words and messages of support. A special thanks to Sandy for the beautiful orchids! And Aunty Carol, you did not know it but the moment you sent your text, the haunting sounds of your recording Be Still echoed across cemetery grounds……
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